


Always and Never

by Geritashipper123



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Khan is only mentioned, M/M, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, fluff too, its the Wrath of Khan you get it, the major character death doesnt last, the wrath of khan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-10-31
Packaged: 2018-07-28 14:19:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7644301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geritashipper123/pseuds/Geritashipper123
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock's Katra goes on a long journey when Khan shows up.</p><p>Or,</p><p>The obligatory "Wrath of Khan" spirk fic</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Parted

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this takes place over TWOK, SFS, and TVH. 
> 
> I have not seen the voyage home, sorry.
> 
> Also i promised myself i wouldn't post a star trek fic until i finished TATONATDAN but whoops heres my first star trek fic
> 
> i recently decided to start doing a dedication- weather serious or silly- at the beginning of each fic/fic chapter i write so..
> 
> thank you too @plaidshirtjimkirk on tumblr for keeping me up with Star trek nonsense and inspiring me to throw my day to the wind and write like a mad woman. *salutes* captian.

The first thing to go was Spock’s right eye.

It was a very sudden change- one minute he could see perfectly and the next he was blind in his one eye. Maybe it was the bright light of The Enterprise’s core, or maybe it was just the first thing the radiation attacked. Either way, he felt that before the pain started.

And when the pain began, it came in big terrible waves, rushing through him with no mercy. Spock moved all of his control into the simple act of not reacting to the pain, to keeping his jaw set and voice silent.

His next reaction to the pain, a fraction of a second after it started, was to put up his mental shields.

He _had_ to protect Jim from this terrible feeling. He could feel every cell, every molecule, every _atom_ in his body burning- in a way, it was like pon farr. But far far far worse.

Pon Farr took 5 days to kill a Vulcan, assuming he or she did not mate within that time frame.

Radiation poisoning, at the concentration the core was emitting, would mercifully do it in minutes if he was lucky.

So he turned his mind to his task, thinking about every movement he made.

 _Move your hand 3 centimeters down, use the ligaments in your hand to close it around that piece, shift 25 degrees to the right, pull up 6.735 centimeters, release_.

He would save The Enterprise, and her crew.

He would save his husband, praying to whatever deity that would listen that he would be able to save Jim from his current pain.

He only wished that he could save him from the inevitable tearing of their bond.

 

* * *

 

By the time the reactor is stabilized, he cannot feel his hands, and his legs hurt too much to hold himself up. He crouches against the far side of the core, cheek against the glass that feels far too hot.

There is people talking, Scotty, Leonard. He knows he should explain the katra- the duty he had entrusted Leonard with but he was too tired to even form the words. Besides, his above adequate hearing was failing. He could barely hear anything.

His brain clears only slightly when he detects Jim running in.

His shields are still up, so he can't tell what his ashayam is thinking. But the moment Jim realizes this, there's a tug from his end, a knock on the shields.

Spock’s walls crumble, and he can hear again.

“-he’s dead already sir!” That was Scotty’s voice, talking about him no doubt. Normally, there would be some comment on how Vulcans are hard to kill and their resilience as a species- either from the doctor, Jim, or himself. He must be in a terrible state to hear no response.

Jim’s emotions and thoughts are a storm- swirling together until they are impossible to discern one from the other.

_Sadness/worry/angerangeranger/_ _shouldhavekilledKhanwhenIhadthechance/_ _anger/sadnesssadness/_ _weweresupposedtohaveyearsnononohecan'tdiebeforeme/_ _worry/fear/anger/sadness/_ _SpockSpockSpock/ashayam/sweetheart/love/k’hat’n’dlawa_

“Spock.”

Jim’s actual voice separates from his mental one because it comes through the speaker system. He owes it to Jim to put on a brave face, or at least go say goodbye. So he stands, fixing his uniform (he has to look presentable for his husband of course) before turning.

Jim’s face makes his heart break. His t’hy’la should not look so terribly sad.

The blindness in his right eye and the reducing vision in his left sends his depth perception to shit, so he just follows the sound of Jim’s heartbeat and breathing- signs that Jim is alive and well. Spock accomplished that much at least.

He stops walking when his nose and forehead collide with glass, his slow, deliberate, _pain filled_ steps making it a soft impact. His eyes (well, eye) lock with Jim’s. The fear and concern coming through the bond was clear on his face

“... Ship… Out of danger?” Spock manages to gather his thoughts enough to form that statement, as grammatically incorrect as it was. He wasn't sure weather he was saying it aloud or through the bond, and couldn't quite make himself care which.

To his relief, Jim nodded. Spock had been successful.

 _‘I did it’_ he thinks through the bond _‘I saved you_ . _’_

 _‘Spock’_ Jim thinks desperately _‘Spock please. Please please please don’t do this to me you can't leave me_.’

“Do not be upset Jim.” Spock meant to think it, but from the way his throat as has begun to ache, he said it. “It is… Logical.”

 _‘YOU LEAVING ME IS NOT LOGICAL!’_ Jim practically shouts over the bond, making Spock’s head hurt. He doesn't blame his love for shouting- Jim is scared, and desperate.

“The needs… Of the many…” Spock attempts to explain.

“... Out weigh the needs of the few.” Jim finishes, eyes filling with tears and voice clearly on the edge of crying.

Spock presses his hand to where he saw Jim’s face, only remembering there was glass when his hand was stopped. His glove covered palm pressed flat against the glass, wishing his arm could go through, that he could cup Jim’s face and wipe his tears away. That he could use his touch to meld with his partner one last time. That he could feel that fading warmth once more.

His knees were starting to give out, and he feels obscenely old despite being very young for a Vulcan. But he tries to keep his hand level with Jim’s face, as if by pure will he will be able to touch him.

Jim sinks as he does, and soon his husband is crouched next to him, the damnable glass separating them.

“... I have… And always shall be… Yours…” Spock croaked, staring at Jim.

 _‘Spock please. Please sweetheart.’_ Jim is begging in Spock’s head, but his voice is fading fast.

 _‘I am sorry, Jim. I love you’_ Spock thinks in return. Jim has a lot of pain ahead- the breaking of the bond will be bad enough, but then Jim will have to deal with grieving for him and telling his mother and father and burying him-

He should tell Jim about the katra. He can barely bring the thought to his mind. What's a katra? What was Vulcan?

All he could think was Jim. Jim Jim Jim. Jim who had never given up. Jim who had guided him and loved him fiercely. Jim who he was leaving all alone.

He pulled off his glove, pressing his hand to the glass in the form of a ta’al.

“Live long… And prosper.” Spock croaks, because that is what he wholeheartedly wants. He wants Jim to live many more years. Remarry and settle, have more adventures, continue to raise in rank. He wants Jim to be happy without Spock.

 _‘I love you. I love you. I love you. Taluhk Nash-veh k’dular’_  he thinks.

In response to the gesture, Jim presses his hand to the glass as well-

But not in a ta’al. Instead of mirroring the symbol, Jim arranges his fingers so his middle and pointed finger were lined up with Spock's.

_‘One last Vulcan kiss…’_

And then everything fades away as the connections snaps.

Spock’s world goes black

 

* * *

 

His consciousness returns hours later through the eyes of Doctor McCoy.

When he pushed his katra into the good doctor’s head, he hadn't known it would work. But here he was, in the doctor’s head.

His mind was clear now, and as he watched Jim sob, he knew that he owed Jim many apologies.

Leonard’s will is strong, and he doesn't know that Spock is there. That's his own fault he supposes- he really should have explained what to do to someone.

But he didn't. Far too late he realizes the errors in his logic with his plan.

Fal-tor-pan hasn't been attempted in centuries, and without any way to communicate with anyone, he can't exactly request someone to do it. All he can do is watch his one love in pain.

With horror, he realizes that he may have just resigned himself to his own personal hell- a lifetime of watching Jim move on and be happy.

Or even worse; a life of watching Jim suffer.

 

* * *

 

He attends his own funeral, in a way. He watches Jim speak through the doctor’s eyes and listens with his ears. Bones still isn't aware of the unwanted visitor in his head- and while Spock hasn't been prying into the doctor’s toughts, the amount of grief Leonard has over his death makes him feel a string of guilt.

He supposes he should be pleased when starfleet awards him high honors and commendations for his heroic actions, but he didn't particularly care. He could be promoted to head general of starfleet and all he would want was Jim.

Jim cries at his funeral as he sends him off to Genesis and locks himself in his room after. For the first time since his death, Spock gets angry at his situation.

He fights against McCoy, trying to tell him he was there, to make him go to Jim and comfort him in his hour of need, to just let him talk to his ashayam- but it's all for naught. Spock gives up soon.

His body will be needed for fal-tor-pan, and now it's gone.

Spock curses himself for being a fool.

 

* * *

 

It is weeks later and Jim’s condition is still no better. They are about to dock for shore leave when it happens.

McCoy’s stress levels reach a high and his energy levels reach a low. Spock _pushes_ and-

And…

And he manages to say something.

Jim finds McCoy in Spock’s room, and Spock can think of a million things to say. All he manages to get out is a few vague sentences before Doctor McCoy passes out from the pressure Spock’s katra has on his mind.

McCoy has never been in a Vulcan Bond before, and his longest mind meld was only a few minutes. His mind can barely handle Spock’s presence and that is why he can't speak through McCoy’s mouth or move his body.

But the action worked to his intent- Jim knew something strange involving both Bones and Spock was going on.

He could only hope Jim had the intuition to figure out what.

 

* * *

 

For the first time in his life, Spock is legitimately and almost deliriously happy when his father appears. 

When this illogical idea of fal-tor-pan and dying for the sake of his crew had came to his head, he’d been so worried about keeping the idea from closing across his bond with Jim that he hadn't even thought that maybe the idea would flow across his familial bonds with his parents and even the shallow, damaged, oh so weak bond he still had with Sybok- not that Sybok’s shields were ever down.

When his father and Jim figure out that he’s in McCoy's head, Spock can't even find it in himself to be ashamed of the surge of happiness he feels.

Jim’s plan is a ludicrous one, one that will surely earn him a court martial considering that it involves stealing a starship, even if it is his own.

But all he could focus on was that Jim was looking better, that he knew that Spock was still there.

 _‘Soon’_ he thinks to no one in particular _‘soon I will be with you again Jim.’_

 

* * *

 

As he stood on Genesis’ decaying surface and watched The Enterprise go down, Spock wishes he had his body, just so he could hold Jim’s hand as he watches their silver lady go down.

He almost wishes Leonard would cry, because Spock cannot. He wishes he could, even if it does go against Vulcan teachings to cry and even more so to let people see you cry.

He wants his body back so he can hug Jim, so he can tell him he made the right choice, so he can let Jim tell him about David and tell him “I grieve with thee” as he wishes he could.

But when they find his body, Spock is embarrassed to find it's the body of a teenager- one who had recently gone through a pon farr from the smell of it. _Ugh._ He is glad that Saavik did not let his body die from blood fever, but still. He prayed that Jim would see it the same way and believe him when he told Jim that his katra was always with him, even if it was technically with McCoy.

 

* * *

 

Spock is exhausted by the time they return to Vulcan and both he and Doctor McCoy’s bodies are laying on tables and a priestess is standing over them. 

This time, he feels no pain when his consciousness shifts. He feels relief, like cool water washing over him.

But something is strange, his thoughts feel as though they are unraveling.

He tries to focus on his loved one’s name.

_Captain James Tiberius Kirk_

_Captain Jim Tiberius Kirk_

_Captain Jim T. Kirk_

_Captain Jim Kirk._

_Captian Kirk_

_Jim Kirk_

_Jim_

_Jim_

_Jim_

_J-_

 

* * *

 

When Spock opens his eyes in his body again, his mind feels as fresh as a newborn.

He cannot find the will to think of anything, not that he has any memories to think on.

But when he looks over and sees the strange man with the curly blonde brown hair and hazel eyes, his heart tugs.

Something, a warm spot in his head flickers back to life, like a light bulb trying to light once more, or a bird trying to fly again

He goes over to the strange man, realizing he must have requested the fal-tor-pan. He questions why.

The man looks him in the eye and say the damnedest thing-

“Because the needs of the one, outweigh the needs of the many.”

That makes his heart tug again, like it was something he should know.

The warm spot in his brain flickers again, and suddenly Spock knows something.

“Jim.” He says carefully “Your name is Jim.”

Jim’s smile takes his breath away.

 

* * *

 

It is months later, and Spock has grown reacquainted with the admiral. Apparently, they had been close friends, and a dangerously good command team.

When they are sent to the 20th century for a whale of all things, Spock spends the whole trip trying to understand why the admiral gets a look on his face whenever their eyes meet or their hands brush, why he looks so sad when Spock refers to him as admiral.

And then, one evening, it just happens.

The admiral and him are playing chess, and he calls the admiral Jim by mistake-

The way Jim _smiles_ lights a fire under his heart, and for a few moments he thinks he is going into pon farr somehow.

They continue playing and Spock requests another game when they finish (the admiral- _Jim_ wins.)

He must figure out what Jim’s smile means to him.

They end up debating something profound and something he says makes Jim laugh.

And then, it happens.

“- god I missed you so much ashayam-” Jim says, breathless from laughter. There's a light in his eyes that is familiar and new at the same time, and the warm bubble in his heart bursts.

The warm spot in his brain, which has been flickering like an ember for months, ignites in bright, all encompassing fire.

Spock gasps and his breath catches up in his throat as he _remembers_ -

“ _T’hy’la!”_

The word is an exclamation, but he whispers it. Like its some great treasure, like it's a revered secret-

It is. It's his greatest treasure. It’s Jim. It's Jim Jim Jim Jim.

Spock looks up to see Jim’s face having a look of pure shock. His eyes are wide and bright and filling with tears and his lips are pressed together. He is a man daring to hope.

“T’hy’la.” Spock says again, memories and emotions surging back to him in a tidal wave bigger than he had ever felt. “T’hy’la, ashayam, ashaya, k’hat’n’dlawa- _Jim-_ ” Spock feels like crying himself as he stares at the man across him “Jim- _Jim-!”_

And then, Jim lunges.

The chess board goes flying as Jim springs across the table and onto Spock, face colliding with his chest and both of them falling backwards.

“Spock. Spock Spock oh my god-” Jim is sobbing into spock’s chest, clinging to him like their back in the radiation chamber and Spock is dying. “Spock-”

“Jim.” Spock whispers, cupping his face and pulling the foolish illogical wonderful beautiful man up to his face to press their foreheads together so he could look at him.

“You've come back- you came back to me _Spock-”_

“It was always my intention ashayam. I am sorry I took so long.” Spock responds.

Maybe it's both of them or maybe it's one of them but somehow the space between them disappears and they kiss. They kiss like their going to disappear if they stop, kiss until they can't continue or they’ll run out of breath.

They pull apart- and Jim laughs.

“Oh my _god Spock_ if you _ever_ do that to me again-”

“Never.” Spock promises, wiping away Jim’s tears.

The moment skin touches skin, the tattered remains of their bond spark and Spock feels Jim’s relief, his love, his pure undiluted joy.

“Jim- Jim the bond I can fix it-” Spock mummers. He is still breathless, wanting- no, _needing_ to have Jim’s consciousness in his mind again. He needed to feel close, to show Jim his mind. It was like he had been drowning in an ocean, and the bond was his lifeline. He needed it to breath.

“Do it.” Jim said “do it _now Spock that's an order dammit-”_

Spock presses his fingers to Jim’s face, and whispers the words so low he barely registered them-

And the bond comes back with dizzying urgency.

_‘Spock you're here my god you're here you're back thank god I needed you I love you-’_

_‘I am sorry I am sorry I am here I never left you Jim I am sorry Saavik-’_

_‘I don't care about Saavik you came back to me I don't care if you killed a man-’_

They pull out of the mind meld suddenly, but they feel much better than when they went into it. They can breathe again.

They stay there, holding each other for the rest of the night.

 

* * *

 

It is over 100 years later, and his Jim is long dead.

This universe’s Jim is a kind soul, albeit a bit more damaged than his bondmate (from the moment he peeks into Jim’s mind he makes a vow to protect him.).This universe’s Enterprise is shiny, and her crew is young. This universe’s spock is just as sassy as he was when he was younger. He is fierce and proud and, just as he was, completely head over heels for his captain.

When he first meets the young pair, he debates telling them everything, their whole story, in the hopes that they won’t make his and Jim’s mistakes.

But then he looks back on their adventures and there mistakes. Even his death at Khan’s hands had had it’s benefits-

After they returned from the past they’d been inseparable- and even when they’d retired and settled into academy and ambassadorial jobs, they were together and happy and content. Khan had failed.

When his Jim had died with the nexus, decades too soon, Spock hadn’t wanted to live.

So when, at the age of 145- 89 more years then Jim got- the new Jim and Spock had been by his side when he died.

This time, death had been quick. He closed his eyes, and when he opened them he was young again.

Jim Kirk was still standing over him, but this time? It was the right one.

Spock smiled.


	2. Touching and Touched

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took a while, but I'm so happy with it. :) just in time for old married spirk month!
> 
> Dedicated to carol marcus because she doesnt get enough love.

Jim should have been suspicious the moment his right eye itched and Spock started shielding.

 

They’ve been married for years by Vulcan standards and Spock almost never shielded from him, especially not without some sort of warning and definitely not during a battle. They have an unspoken agreement- no shielding during dangerous situations. It makes the other person freak out too much because _what if your hurt_

 

But Spock starts shielding and Jim thinks that he should be concerned and check up on his husband-

 

But then there's the Klingons. And Carol and David his ship is in trouble so he swallows his anxiety and tells himself that Spock will be fine.

 

His husband is practically unkillable after all. Years together have more than proved that. They spent 5 years in space and their adventures have hardly gotten less dangerous since.

 

Yes, Spock will be fine he tells himself. He's probably in his lab doing super complex equations and doesn't want to distract Jim.

 

He tells himself that until the pit in his gut disappears.

 

* * *

 

He panics when Bones says to go to engineering.

 

He’d noticed that Spock wasn't on the bridge, celebrating their victory with them. He’d noticed and the worry had come right back. Why was Spock still shielding?

 

And even worse, he’d heard that tone in Leonard’s voice before. It was the tone he used when he was about to give a patient or family of a patient bad news.

 

He starts calling out to Spock through their link as he rides the lift to the engineering deck. Why won't his _ashaya_ answer him?

 

Terror is pooling in his gut now, and he mentally berates himself. Spock is _fine_. He probably was just injured or had a concussion that was affecting his shields. He was an admiral. He is over-reacting.

 

That thought in mind, he straightened his back and walked down the hall after the turbolift opened.

 

Scotty is standing by the entrance to the outer core chamber. Jim frowned at the look on his face.

 

“Mr. Scott? Is something wrong with the ship?” He asked, walking over. “Captain-” Scotty said, reaching to grab his arm. Jim brushed past him and walked in-

 

And he felt all the suppressed panic spring back to life with a vicious speed.

 

_Ha ha. We told you so._

 

Spock is in the inner core chamber.

 

His first reaction is to get to him.

 

He runs at the door, intent on going in, grabbing Spock and dragging him out of there. His effort is stopped by McCoy and Scotty, who has rushed in after him.

 

“Jim! You can't go in there!” “You’ll flood the whole compartment captain!”

 

“ _I have to save him_ ” Jim insists, teeth gritted. “ _I have to get to Spock-_ ”

 

“Sir.” Scotty says “he’s dead already.”

 

He can barely hear them, too busy reaching out for his k’hat’n’dlawa with his mind.

 

_‘Spock. Spock please sweetheart please come back to me please. Please Spock.’_

 

He finds the barrier Spock put in place- most likely to protect him from the pain. For the first time since the bond had been formed, he pushes against the wall-

 

And Spock let's it collapse.

 

Pain sears in his gut from the burn of the radiation poisoning. Jim wonders idly how radiation affects Spock, him being a hybrid. From what he could tell? He had the Vulcan tolerance to survive, but he felt just as much pain as a human.

 

With a shaky hand reaching over to door, his palm presses flat against the glass. “Spock!” He shouts, using his voice now. He feels like crying.

 

Spock stands shakily and adjusts his uniform. The usual green to to to his skin is gone. Spock doesn't even look pale- he looks gray. Gray and burnt and… Dead. Spock already looks dead.

 

They were supposed to have decades together, Spock was supposed to outlive Jim by at least a century.

 

 _We can’t be out of time already_.

 

Spock walks into the glass door that Jim is on the other side of, one eye cloudy and grey, the other the same clear chocolate brown Jim had fallen in love with. Jim's heart breaks once more.

 

“Ship… Out of danger?” Spock says. His voice is gravely, down a whole octave. The usually smooth tone and cadence is rough like sandpaper, and the eloquence of his speech is abandoned for basic illogical sentences. Jim can feel Spock’s pain now, and it makes him want to cry.

 

Strangely, he’s reminded of the deneva incident. Of Spock’s ability to control his pain and do his work.

 

Of the fear that he would have to order Spock’s death.

 

Jim nods blindly at Spock’s question, mentally begging. He couldn't lose Spock. Not so soon. Spock was supposed to outlive him- handle his death with a grace becoming of a Vulcan. The emotional human who would suffer for the rest of his life if he lost the Vulcan _was not supposed to outlive the goddamn Vulcan_.

 

 _I have saved you, Jim_. Spock thought at him.

 

 _I don't want to be saved if your the price._ Jim replies instantly, and he meant it. Spock always compared Jim to the sun and the stars- big, bright, warm, lifegiving and breathtakingly beautiful. (How anyone thought Vulcans weren't romantic was lost on Jim)

 

But if Jim was the stars, Spock was a comet. Rare and gorgeous, leaving a trail of wonder in his wake. He went in a straight line, never straying from a given path. He was cool to the touch but heated in the core. The sun could burn out, there were hundreds more.

But the universe couldn't afford to lose a comet.

 

“Do not grieve, Jim. It is… Logical.” Spock said, looking at him and begging him to understand. But Jim doesn't want to understand- he wants his husband. With him, by his side, forever. _Parted from me and never parted. You leaving me is not logical!_

 

“The needs of the many…” Spock says, and then his voice gives out and Jim can feel the burn reflected in his own throat (or maybe that's the sobbing he’s holding back)

 

“Outweigh the needs of the few.” Jim says, voice wavering as he chokes. He didn't _want_ Vulcan philosophy. Not when Spock was dying.

 

_Please sweetheart. Please._

 

_I love you, Jim._

 

_I love you. Please._

 

Spock starts to sink to the ground, his knees unable to hold him upright. His hand comes to press against the glass- a purely emotional outburst. He knew that if Spock wanted he could probably break the glass, but he wouldn't.

 

 _The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few_ . _Or the one_.

 

Jim follows Spock in his descent, knowing that this could be (he refused to say would be) the last time he saw his loved ones face.

 

_Stop telling me Vulcan philosophy. Come back to me._

 

Jim knows it's impossible, he knows it's too late. He doesn't want to accept that. He was James T. Kirk, he didn't _do_ no win scenarios. Why was Spock dying?

 

 _It is logical_.

 

Spock’s thought doesn't give him comfort, they make him want to cry.

 

_Fuck logical. Fuck Vulcan. I want you- I don't care what I lose to get you._

 

“I always have…” Spock says, his voice fading fast “and always shall be… Yours.” Spock says it aloud, and Jim feels his heart stop in his chest.

 

Spock was giving him an emotional response. Spock was dying. The reality of it all set in abruptly- this was _happening._

 

Jim does start to cry now.

 

 _No no no no no no no nonononononono_ **_please_ ** _no_ -

 

Spock’s hand is pressed against the glass again, this time in a ta’al.

 

“Live long… And prosper.”

 

Images of Jim moving on, being happy, _continuing_ flood through the bond.

 

 _Not without you_.

 

Jim raises his hand as well, but not in the ta’al.

 

Jim moves his fingers to an ozh’esta.

 

_One last kiss_

 

And then the connection snaps.

 

* * *

 

Jim’s world is filled with white hot agony.

 

The breaking of a bond is hard enough on his mind- add that to the fact that _Spock is gone_

 

Jim nearly passes out when Spock dies.

 

He probably screams, he can't tell. His ears are ringing too loudly for him to tell.

 

Spock- _Spock’s body_ \- is lying limp against the door, mere inches away from safety.

 

Weather or not Jim screams is debatable. The sobs he is sure of.

 

He sits there, inches away from his- _from the body of his_ \- t’hy’la. He sobs and he sobs and he sobs and he probably yells and he probably does scream.

 

He’s _angry_ . He's angry at khan, at himself, at Scotty for not stopping him and at Bones for not stopping him. He's angry at _Spock_ even

 

He's sad, he's heartbroken, he's lost and mourning and gone gone gone.

 

Bones puts a hand on his shoulder once, and Jim throws it off. That hand isn't cold enough, the fingers aren't long enough and it isn't the right bone density. It's touch doesn't send emotions to his brain, their bonds reaching for each other through that hand.

 

He doesn't want Bones, he wants Spock. His beautiful, wonderful Spock who just died saving his ship.

 

Died. Died. Dead. Spock was dead.

 

Jim sobs harder. He sobs until he's gasping for air and he feels like his heart will explode. He isn't a Vulcan, he's allowed to sob out his pain, he's encouraged to.

 

Sobbing won't bring Spock back though

 

* * *

 

After who knows how long, the agony of the torn bond starts to fade.

 

But worse than the agony is the emptiness.

 

There's a gaping hole where a pocket of warmth once was, where emotions and little thoughts and affection had once been, where _Spock_ had once been.

 

He hadn't realized how much he had come to be used to it being there until it was gone. It was all he could think about.

 

Just as the agony faded, the radiation chamber was decompressed.

 

Bones helps him to his feet, and Scotty takes a deep breath before opening the door.

 

Spock falls to the ground limply, eyes still open.

 

Bones is trembling as he crouches next to him, and Jim knows Bones has to confirm, knows Bones has to see- but all Jim can think is _no don't touch him._

 

Bones doesn't say the usual _he’s dead Jim_. He just feels Spock’s side, shakes his head the tiniest bit, and closes Spock’s eyes. He stands up again and Scotty moves to the side to let Jim through.

 

Jim crouches next to Spock’s head. The radiation burns covering his face make him look 20 years older than he is, but he’s still beautiful to Jim.

 

His hand is shaking something awful as he reaches out.

 

He knows what he expects when he touches Spock’s cheek. He expects the zing of physical contact with his mate, expects Spock to twitch, to blink. He expects flesh that is cool to the touch, but smooth and warm in its own way that Jim is used to. He expects him to feel alive.

 

When he touches the waxy, burnt flesh, and when Spock doesn't so much as twitch, he feels like crying again.

 

Spock doesn't even look like he’s asleep. He just looks dead

 

* * *

 

Security men take Spock to the medbay for an autopsy, and a funeral is scheduled in the next few days.

 

Any joy of the battle being won is gone from the whole crew. People keep glancing at his station in the bridge, or the door to his room, or the door to his lab.

 

Jim spends the first 16 hours locked in his room. He just needs space. He needs to grieve alone for a while. Even after that he’s not really _social_. Not like usual.

 

He knows how this works. He's supposed to reach out to others, to share their grief, to not face it alone. But he doesn't want to share. His grief is the only emotion he has now- other than that, he feels numb. Sickeningly numb.

 

Actually, That's wrong. He feels so many emotions he doesn't know what to do with them. Spock was his emotional control, he helped him think clearly.

 

He just wants Spock back dammit.

 

* * *

 

He wonders how Spock would respond to the speech he gives at Spock’s funeral.

 

Saying that Spock was human, talking about how he loved him, surely Spock would call it illogical.

 

It only serves to make Jim’s heart clench and makes him cry in front of his crew.

 

Saying goodbye is hard. Watching that capsule fly out in space as the sun rises over Genesis is numbing. The mess of emotions goes away, and as he watches his husband leave for his final journey, he finds he has no tears left to shed.

 

* * *

 

The trip back to earth, Jim is barely seen. The crew can handle themselves, Jim just wants to be alone.

 

Well, no. He doesn't want to be alone. But the person he wants to be with he just sent into space.

 

He remembers the last time he and Spock had really talked- it had been before Saavik’s exam. They were laying in bed because Jim had woken up early, they were discussing a possible vacation, a late birthday present for Jim.

 

Didn't Spock get that he was present enough?

 

He finishes his actual " _on the birthday"_ birthday present from Spock- an authentic copy of _a tale of two cities_

 

Oh how quickly the best of times had turned into the worst of times for him.

 

* * *

 

Their arrival back on earth isn't something Jim looks forward to.

 

He can picture the media people now, not to mention he’d have to tell Sarek and Amanda, and then he’d have to go back to their apartment. He’d have to see Spock’s belongings and figure out what to do with them.

 

And then, Bones acts out.

 

The whole crew is strangely obsessed with Spock- wanting to talk about him, to fill his shoes.

 

(The last thing Jim wants is to talk about Spock, or replace him)

 

But Bones has been fairly quiet. He’s given Jim his space, not pestered him.

 

He doesn't know what makes him do it- whether the doctor is drunk or it's simply his way of grieving, or something else. But Bones breaks into Spock’s room, sits on his mat, rambles, and then passes out.

 

* * *

 

When _Sarek_ of all people shows up, Jim almost doesn't want to see him.

 

It's too painful, having his father-in-law there.

 

When Sarek _accuses_ Jim, the admiral almost punches him.

 

Did Sarek not think that if Jim could have saved Spock he would have? Because he would have. If he could switch places he would.

 

And then, Sarek melds with him.

 

The tattered end of their bond aches at the intrusion- so familiar to its other half and yet so different.

 

Jim doesn't know what Sarek is looking for- until he sees it.

 

An ancient practice. Fal-tor-pan.

 

 _A possibility_.

 

They pull apart, and Jim is crying again.

 

He feels hope.

 

* * *

 

Finding Spock’s katra takes longer than it should have, but not all that long.

 

Jim curses himself for not going to Spock sooner- _he_ should have taken on the burden of his husband’s katra, not Bones.

 

But, none the less, Spock is there. A brief mind meld determines that.

 

Apparently, when Sarek went in he hadn't talked to Spock directly- likely Spock hadn't even known he was there. But he’d gotten a reflection of Spock’s emotions.

 

“He misses you.” Sarek says, not commenting on the fact that Jim was crying again.

 

* * *

 

Jim debates cornering Bones and seeing if he could talk to Spock.

 

He just wants to know he’s okay. To hear something, _anything_ , from him.

 

He steals his own ship. He doesn't care if he loses his admiralty.

 

If he gets Spock back, he’ll willingly stay inside for the rest of his life.

 

It's been 3 weeks since he last spoke to Spock (that god awful last conversation that he has nightmares about _doesn't fucking count_ ) and Jim is almost restless.

 

He wants to hold him, to kiss him, to pull of his clothes and mark his flesh and fuck him-

 

… It's also been 5 weeks since he had sex. He's thinking like he young again.

 

He would think about his horniness more, but if he gets Spock back he doesn't care if he has to abstain for a millennium.

 

* * *

 

Watching the enterprise go down over Genesis doesn't hurt Kirk as much as it should.

 

The _Enterprise_ is- and always will be- _his_ silver lady. His first and best lady. It wasn't just his ship- it was _their_ ship. Jim and Spock’s ship. Jim, Spock, Scotty, Sulu, Bones, Chekov, Uhura and all 400+ other crewmen that were there at a given time’s ship.

 

But he was asked to choose- Spock or her.

 

Spock won. Spock always won.

 

Just seeing Spock alive made Jim’s heart race- teenager or no.

 

Seeing Spock as a teen _was_ admittedly strange. Knowing Saavik had made sure he survived pon farr broke Jim’s heart for only a moment before he remembered _it's Spock. Spock is yours. Spock's soul isn't even in his body_. So when he finally got him back he just pressed his face against Spock’s shoulder and held him. He felt better than he had in weeks

 

He found himself glancing at McCoy a lot. Sometimes he’d see Leonard in his eyes

 

Sometimes he'd swear he saw Spock looking back at him.

 

* * *

 

The Fal-Tor-Pan itself takes very little time, and Jim is bouncing when he sees Spock- _Spock-_ stand.

 

He turns, they lock eyes.

 

 _Nothing_.

 

There is nothing in that gaze. Not recognition, not love, not even confusion.

 

Jim freezes. His heart freezes and for a moment he can’t breathe.

 

Spock. _Spock_. He's so beautiful, even when he dosen’t know who the hell Jim is.

 

He makes his way over to Jim after a moment, eyes still showing no recognition but still showing… _something_.

 

“You… Lost much, trying to save me. Why did you do it?”

 

Jim is at a loss for only half a second, and then he knows the answer

 

“Because the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many.”

 

For a moment, Spock’s eyes flicker. He swears he can see something in those eyes, something in his face. ( _You illogical human that isn't what I said_ is probably what he would say, and then kiss him. If he could)

 

Spock goes to turn, and then pauses.

 

This time, there's something in Spock’s eyes for sure.

 

“Jim.” He says “your name is Jim.”

 

Anyone who says hope isn't worth it clearly is a fool. Hope is the best feeling ever.

Jim’s heart burns with hope.

 

* * *

 

Time has always been Spock’s specialty. At any given moment he can state the exact time, to the 5th decimal. He can tell you exactly how long something takes.

 

It has been mere weeks since Spock’s reanimation, and it feels like a lifetime.

 

The hope still burns in Jim’s chest, but every minute he spends with Spock being unable to touch him and hold him and kiss him-

 

Every minute Spock doesn't know him is like a lash from some terrible whip.

 

He wonders if it’s penance for the terrible things he said to Spock that night when he prompted him to leave for Kolinahr. He wonders if it's some sort of sign from the universe.

 

But he’s never been more happy than he was when he was with Spock- when he was in love with Spock, when he was bonded to Spock,

 

_Always and never touching and touched. Parted from me and never parted._

 

Together. Forever.

 

That was how it was supposed to be. But as they travel through the past, the sixties. As he watches this Spock who insists on calling him admiral (not _Jim_ because his husband called him Jim and ashaya and Ashal'veh and T’hy’la and vashurik and ashayam and sometimes captain when he was feeling playful but his husband knew Jim hated to be called admiral outside of a formal setting and this was _not his husband)_ and attempts to use human curse words and be _so not Spock_ and _so much like Spock_ at the same time…

 

He feels further from him than ever.

 

* * *

 

The the day he really got Spock back- _his_ Spock- was the best day of his life (well, one of them. It was definitely a contender. Along with the day he got the enterprise, the day he met Spock, their bonding, the day he and Spock reformed their bond after kolinahr, and the day Spock came back to life. Many of his best days are Spock related)

 

The best day of his life was a really shitty day.

 

Jim wakes up with a headache and a sore throat. He has an old knee injury that aches the whole day and the hope in his chest is unreachable. He feels old, and sick, and tired, and lonely.

 

The highlight of his whole day is when Spock asks him to come to his room for a game of chess, and Jim _still_ wants to decline. He wants to just go to bed.

 

He goes anyway. He’s missed chess with Spock.

 

The game is going well- their evenly matched. And the chatter has been pleasant, mostly about the mission.

 

“... I have to ask Spock, what prompted this?” Jim asks

 

“I heard from the doctor that we used to play chess quite often.” Spock says.

 

 _Play chess_ had become their euphemism for sex that they used around Bones. (“Jim why are their bruises on Spock’s wrist?” “Oh he banged it on a table. He got angry while me and Spock were… Playing chess.” “... They look like cuff marks.” “...” “Also Spock doesn't get angry.” “...” “ _Jim_.” “Okay look-” “actually I don't wanna know.”)

 

They had played chess quite often- in both ways.

 

Jim must be blushing, because Spock raises an eyebrow. “Admiral?” He asks. Jim is so lost in memories that he doesn't respond right away.

 

“Jim.” Spock says next.

 

Jim's eyes fly open, and there's a twinkle of Spock’s old self in those eyes once again. It disappears as fast as it comes, but the smile that lights up Jim’s face sets off something else in his eyes- determination.

 

Spock is intrigued now, Jim can see it.

 

Jim wins their game, and Spock challenges him again.

 

This time the game ends up getting forgone for various discussions as they play.

 

Something Spock says sets Jim off laughing- not because it's funny, because it's so _Spock_. So him.

 

“- God I've missed you so much _ashayam_ -”

 

Jim hasn’t told Spock about their relationship. He didn't know how. The endearment just slipped out.

 

Jim freezes after he says it, like a deer in the headlights.

 

Spock is frozen too, eyes widening slowly. Something is happening, and Jim braces himself for the worst-

 

“ _T’hy’la!_ ” Spock’s voice is a shocked whisper, and suddenly the bond in his mind starts aching again, screaming and crying, reaching for it’s mate because finally- _Finally_ \- it’s mate is back

 

Jim is getting up there in years now, and he knows it. Suddenly, all those conversations with Bones about his weight come back to him because in that moment he swears _he feels the beginning of a heart attack_.

 

Recognition floods Spock’s eyes- a mess of emotions. Jim nearly screams in happiness.

 

Spock knows who he is.

 

“T’hy’la, ashayam, ashaya, k’hat’n’dlawa- _Jim-_ ” Spock looks up and their eyes finally meet-

 

 _Love. Love love love._  

 

“Jim- _Jim-”_ Spock hasn't moved, he looks on the verge of tears- he can see them filling his eyes.

 

Jim moves without thinking. He doesn't care if he’s 30 or 40 or 50 or even 90. He doesn't care how old he is because he lets out a childish screech of joy and he practically _vaults_ over the table and tackles his husband because _finally. Finally he’s back_.

 

He finally can hold him again.

 

“Spock.” Jim whispers, tears overflowing. “Spock. _Spock_.” His voice cracks and he starts sobbing.

 

Spock wraps his arms around him in a tight grip, nose burying in his hair. “ _Jim_ -”

 

“Oh god oh my god thank you god oh my god-” Jim is rambling, whispering prayers. He isn't religious, that was Bones’ department, but he could still thank whatever higher power that brought Spock back. “Oh my _god Spock_ you came back- Spock you came back to me-”

 

“It was always my intention _ashayam_. I am sorry I took so long.”

 

“If you _ever_ do that to me again-”

 

“Never Jim.” Spock promises, kissing his head, and Jim’s hiccupping sobs become smoother somehow. The relief flooding through his chest is like breathing in clean oxygen for the first time in weeks. _Their okay. Everything will be okay now. They have a second chance. Their okay. It’s all okay._

 

Spock reaches up to swipe his thumbs over Jim’s cheeks and wipe away his tears, and the moment he does Jim feels the electric zing he always got when Spock touches him- the zing he didn't get after Spock died. It's their first skin to skin touch since over a month ago. Jim hiccups.

 

“The bond- Jim I can fix it- I can repair it-” Spock mumbles, stumbling over his words. Any control he has is gone now, Jim can see it in Spock’s eyes. The moment Spock brings up the bond, the empty spot in his head aches.

 

“Do it.” Jim says “do it _now Spock that's an order dammit-”_

 

He wanted Spock to get in his head and stay there.

 

Spock’s fingers arranged themselves on his face with ease, and then he whispered the words, and then-

 

And then they were one.

 

Jim’s half of the bond jumped to attention, screaming with joy and rushing to find its mate. It was _singing_ with happiness.

 

The moment his end met Spock’s, the empty spot in his head exploded with feeling.

 

Spock's emotion, Spock’s thoughts, _Spock Spock Spock_.

 

_‘Oh my god you're actually here I missed you so much-’_

 

_‘I missed you as well. Jim I am sorry Saavik-’_

 

_‘I don't give a damn about Saavik your here you're alive-’_

 

Spock pulls his hand away from Jim’s face soon, just in time for the space between them to close as they kiss.

 

They kiss like their young and hurried again, kiss like their about to die, kiss until they can't  breathe.

 

They pull apart, Jim laughs.

 

They hold each other for the rest of the night.

 

* * *

 

Life doesn't magically get perfect again- Spock still has holes in his memory and Jim is still in trouble because stealing a starship to go save your husband who you think is alive because your CMO is acting up and your father in law said his son gave him the insane idea of an ancient practice that goes against all logic goes against starfleet protocol.

 

They meet Sybok, and it's Jim’s turn to almost die. And then they get sent on their last mission.

 

And then, Jim and Spock actually attempt to be normal.

 

They switch their time between San Francisco and Iowa, since Jim can work from home and Spock has no need to stay in San Francisco to teach when the school year is out.

 

Spock does not particularly enjoy teaching, but it doesn't displease him either. They live contently for several years-

 

Until Spock gets offered an ambassadorial position.

 

Until Jim accepts an invitation to go on the _Enterprise-B_ ’s maiden voyage for a publicity tour.

 

Until her hull breaches.

 

Until Jim gets pulled into the nexus, where he has no t’hy’la to worry about

 

* * *

 

He is chopping wood when Picard comes. Picard comes after who the hell knows how long, and Jim doesn’t wanna go with him. He beats himself up for that later because you idiot how could you not want to get back to Spock. He’s SPOCK.

 

When Jim is under the control of the nexus, he’s an idiot. An idiot who doesn’t remember his husband and think’s the love of his life is some woman named Antonia- seriously, _who the fuck is Antonia_ \- and he’s happy living in a cabin in Idaho. Not even Iowa!

 

How dumb was he? In there, Bones never called, Spock never called, His medals weren’t hanging on the walls, he lived in Idaho and liked to chop wood. It was like he was a different person. He’s immensely grateful to Picard.

 

Well, until he dies.

 

When he came out, he asked about all his friends- they're all alive. He sends them all messages, but Spock’s was the hardest.

 

_Hi sweetheart! God I’m sorry. I’m so so so sorry. I miss you. Please call me as soon as you can, I’m coming home to you I promise, I’ll explain everything. I’ve got to do my part on Viridian III first, but then I’m all yours, forever and ever. I love you so much, I’ll come home and we’ll fix the bond and I swear I’ll never go away again. I love you I love you I love you I love you- I can never tell you enough, and I hear we have 27 years to make up for. Please call me soon, I need to hear your voice. All my love, ad infinitum- your t’hy’la._

 

… It was fun after all.

 

He hoped Spock wouldn’t be too upset with him.

 

* * *

 

When he opens his eyes, He’s on his ship. His enterprise.

 

The transporter tech smiles at him, and he’s taken to the bridge-

 

Heaven is that he’s able to fly his ship forever. He doesn’t have to, but he wants too. The afterlife is an exact replica of the galaxy, complete with worlds they had never reached in life and infinite space. You get sent to where you were your happiest self in life, and that’s the recommended afterlife for you.

 

Of course he’ll stay with his silver lady. Where else would he go? She’s been sitting in spaceport, waiting for _him_ according to the crew that had died and was waiting for him.

 

“We’d wait forever for you sir.” One person tells him “All of us would.”

 

“Well I thank you.” Jim says “But we have a few more people to wait for.”

 

The smile that had showed on the young commander’s face made Jim’s heart clench. “That’s the plan, sir.”

 

* * *

 

It’s Bones who dies next, and when he finds out that his destined afterlife is _space which is danger and death wrapped in darkness_ he apparently tries to destroy sickbay.

 

He’s still screaming in the face of some young nurse when Jim gets there.

 

Jim laughs, and says “Bones please stop scaring the crew. You can’t overdose on anesthesia here- they haven’t knocked you out out of respect.”

 

Bones turns and promptly socks him in the gut. “You _bastard_ !” he cried “You shithead Jimmy- we all _told you_ not to go on that ship! Do you know how devastated I was when I heard you hadn’t made it? How devastated _Spock_ was? I had to convince him to not pursue Kolinahr again!”

 

Jim winced, because he was worried about how Spock had reacted when the _Enterprise-B_ had blown. “Sorry-”

 

“And then you come back, and you get killed by a bridge! A _Bridge!_ You damn bastard you deserved better than some bridge!”

 

The doctor keeps ranting, and Jim lets him- because this was Bones. In a way, he loved him just as much as he loved Spock.

 

This was Bones, his best friend- his _brother_.

 

He smiled with tears welling in his eyes as he watches him for a minute, then grabs him by the arm and wraps him in a hug.

 

The tension disappears from Bones, and he hugs Jim just as tight.

 

“Fucking- _I missed you,_ Jim.”

 

“Missed you too Leo.”

 

“You deserved way better than what you got. A bridge, a tiny marker- you deserved so much more. Starfleet just agreed to a memorial before I died.”

 

“I know, I’ve been watching.” He smiled a bit “Our family will make sure it’s not tacky.” he pulled away just enough to take his friend by the wrist. “Come on, we’ve got a whole galaxy.”

 

Bones grinned at him “God help us.” He teased, even though he clearly was as excited a Jim.

 

With a laugh, Jim pulled him out of sickbay.

 

* * *

 

Chekov of all people was next, shot and killed in action.

 

Jim and Bones had been watching- the computers allowed you to see the real world here- and they’d seen Hikaru get the news- they’d seen him cry over it as well.

 

Uhura came a few years later, and Spock had mourned with Scotty for her.

 

Hikaru was next, followed soon by Scotty.

 

Now Spock was the only one left. Jim felt his heart clench as he watched Spock throw himself into his work instead of mourning like he was supposed to.

 

Spock had always known this would be his end- living long after everyone he cared about was gone. That was the price he paid to become involved with humans.

 

But Jim knew he didn’t regret it.

 

* * *

 

Everyone throws an absolute fit the day Spock decides it’s a good idea to fly into an exploding sun. Everyone except Jim.

 

It’s been decades since the last of his husband’s friend’s had died. Jim couldn’t blame him for taking a suicide mission- It was for the greater good, the type of mission Jim would have accepted, and Spock knew it.

 

The needs of the many after all.

 

A long time ago, Jim had made Spock promise that after he died, Spock would at least try to keep living until he died of old age.

 

Jim was so proud of him for trying, and he was selfish, he missed him-

 

No, Jim didn’t fault Spock for taking the mission into Romulus’ sun.

 

When he ends up in another universe, Jim puts it on the big viewscreen instead of the computer, because now he’s worried. Nero had Spock and _Jim couldn’t save him._

 

They all watch Vulcan collapse in on itself, and Jim cries for his husband’s people.

 

* * *

 

The other him is an idiot.

 

Jim watches him emotionally compromise Spock and then grow closer to Spock and then completely not realize that Spock would do anything for him and ignore _Jim’s_ Spock telling him that young Spock did care-

 

Not for the first time, Jim wished he was down there so he could have _words_ with his counterpart.

 

And his Spock- His sweet husband who’s now old and wrinkled and completely alone- keeps blaming himself for everything.

 

Jim can only watch helplessly as Spock slowly worsens. He starts going through what ifs- what if he hadn’t taken the Romulus mission? What if he hadn’t given young Spock the hint would this Jim have still died? What if he hadn’t come would these two be together yet? What if he had persuaded Jim to stay home that awful day when he boarded the _Enterprise-B_ would Jim have died peacefully of old age?

 

Spock starts crying more, and a part of Jim is happy at first because if he’s crying he isn’t bottling it all up.

 

And then one day, Bones comes into his cabin with his face dark and says he checked up on Spock and saw him crying.

 

Jim says “yeah, and?” and Bones explains what Bendii Syndrome is and that Spock has a family history.

 

A quick call to Sarek (who had settled back on Vulcan with Amanda again) confirms it- The syndrome had started with crying more for him too.

 

A malicious part of Jim is happy, because he’ll get to see Spock soon.

 

* * *

 

Spock has been suffering for months when the day finally comes.

 

Jim is watching on his computer as their younger selves- who have gotten their act together- stay by Spock’s side as he struggles for his final breaths.

 

Jim watches his husband whisper his name as he goes, then shuts off his terminal and hits the comm.

 

“Kirk to Bridge.”

 

“Bridge here, scott speaking Captain.”

 

“Tell Uhura to send a message to starfleet that we’ll be ready to leave soon.”

 

“... Sir-”

 

“Meet me in the transporter room Scotty.” Jim has tears in his eyes as he smiles “We have one to beam up.”

 

* * *

 

It’s just him and Scotty there when they beam him up, still asleep.

 

Spock is laying on his back- 35 again and handsome as ever.

 

Jim goes over, sits on the floor next to his head. Scotty leaves.

 

Jim sits there, caressing and kissing his face until Spock stirs.

 

Brown meets gold, and Jim smiles.

 

Spock sits up, raises his hand,  there are no words.

 

_Always and never touching and touched, parted from me and never parted._

 

_I am home now,_

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please come visit me on tumblr www.flamingbluepanda.tumblr.com 
> 
> see ya!

**Author's Note:**

> so i may or may not be writing a kirk side to this, because i gotta keep the married couple together right? RIGHT??
> 
>  
> 
> come check me out on tumblr  
> www.flamingbluepanda.tumblr.com


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